Sometimes marriage seems easier to understand
for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it
makes possible within our lives. When I was
younger this fear immobilised me. I did not want to
make a mistake.
I saw my friends getting married for reasons of
social acceptability, or sexual fervour, or just
because they thought it was the logical thing to do.
Then I watched as they and their partners became
embittered and petty in their dealings with each other.
I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual
toleration. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights
and bickering days and could not imagine
subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
On rare occasions, I would see old couples
somehow seemed to glow in each others
presence. They seemed really in love, not just
dependent upon each other and tolerant of each
others foibles. It was an astounding sight, and
it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can
they have survived so many years of sameness, so
much irritation at the others habits? What
keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
unable to even stay together, much less love each other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well.
There is something to the claim of fundamental
compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the
relationship to succeed. It is important to find
someone with whom you can create a good
relationship from the outset.
Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early
stages of a relationship. Sexual attraction blinds
you to the thousands of little things by which
relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to
find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming
Some people choose to involve themselves
sexually and ride out the most heated period of
sexual attraction in order to see what is on the
other side. This can work, but it can also leave a
trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual
altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see
clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual
desire looms so large that it keeps them from
having any normal perception of what life would be
Truly fortunate partners manage to become
longtime friends before they realise they are attracted
to each other. They get to know each others
laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see
each other at their worst and at their best. They
share time together before they get swept up into
the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
Laughter is one clue to compatibility. It tells you
how much you will enjoy each others
company over the long term. If your laughter
together is good and healthy, and not the expense
of others, then you have a healthy relationship to
Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make
each other laugh, you can always surprise each
other. If you can always surprise each other, you
can always keep the world around you new.
Beware of a relationship in which there is no
laughter. Even the most intimate relationships
based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn
dour. Over time, sharing a common serious
viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against
those who do not share the same viewpoint, and
your relationship can become based on being
Look for a partner who deals with the world in a
way you respect. When two people first get
together, they tend to see their relationship as
existing only in the space between the two of
them. They find each other endlessly fascinating,
and the overwhelming power of the emotions they
are sharing blinds them to the outside world. As
the relationship ages and grows, the outside world
becomes important again. If your partner treats
people or circumstances in a way you cant
accept, you will inevitably come to grief. If you do
not respect the way you each deal with the world
around you, eventually the two of you will not
respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the
mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and
practicality, and the real life of the heart resides
within the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by
the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships,
while the other is drawn only to the literal and
practical, you must take care that the distance
does not become an unbridgeable chasm that
leaves you each feeling isolated and
Take the time to choose a partner carefully and
well. Then the real miracle of marriage can take
place in your life. Miracle is a powerful word, and
I choose it carefully. But there is a miracle in
marriage, the miracle of transformation.
Transformation is one of the most common events
of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The
cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes
spring and love becomes a child.
Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.
Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it
begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that
will bloom, but we can be sure that a bloom will
come. If we have chosen carefully and wisely, the
bloom will be good. If we have chosen poorly or for
the wrong reason, or we do not tend our marriage
with care, then the bloom will be flawed.
If you believe in your heart that you have found
someone with whom you are able to grow, if you
have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless
attraction of the road not taken and the partner not
chosen, if you have the strength to embrace the
cycles and seasons that your love will experience,
then you may be ready to seek the miracle
that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of
a marriage well made is worth your patience.
Kent Nerburn, a chapter taken from his book
Simple Truths: Clear and Gentle Guidance
on the Big Issues in Life
diforward oleh my lovely friend di sudut jakarta
pic belongs to tash_gayfer
pic belongs to tash_gayfer